A giant footprint on my heart.

Today the most surreal thing happened to me.
I was so happy, nervous, overwhelmed, exstatic. Now I'm crying. All within the space of two hours.

Most of all I feel it is important to say that memories are for me to keep forever; I can acess them whenever I want or feel the need to be in that particular moment again. However, this has it's downsides. Holding onto a time and place for too long can drive a person insane - desperate to find moments that feel endless because it feels like nothing will ever be that good again. Feels like what is happening in the world around you isn't good enough and will never live up to the times you have experienced before.

This is a stupid theory to have but we all know it happens. I will now tell myself to be possitive; look forward to the exciting plans I have ahead of me and hope that the feelings I hold onto locked inside my memories will find me once again and create new memories in the story of my life.

The reason all these strong memories are flooding back to me is simple. I saw someone today who I met on the most amazing holiday of my life; a two week cruise that will always have a place in my heart. He meant alot to me and the last time I saw him was a painful goodbye in august full of tears. Today I happened to be in the shop I work at (but on my day off) and he happened to be shopping in Bicester Village which is miles from where he lives. \he tapped me on the shoulder and I was speechless, yet over the moon.

Sometimes we experience moments that we will never forget and make connections that define those memories for us and the cruise we we're on was certainly a case of this occurance. I will never forget the times I spent with him and all the other friends in the group we formed on The Grand Princess. I can't express how dearly I hold onto those memories desperately wishing I could go back to that time and make it last forever.

"Can miles truly separate you from friends.... If you want to be with someone you love,
 aren't you already there? "
~Richard Bach

INDIVIDUALISM

Today, being me and not judging myself has been hard. But I keep reminding myself, I would rather be spreading my own light than simply reflecting others... This is very important to me.

Continually better.

Today i worked on my feet all day from half 9 - 6, I am tired, drained and sore. Although, I am so happy right now! I love work! I really do. I love (ALMOST) everyone there and I feel like I have friends there now and not just collegues. I was craving the feeling of new people in my life and the feeling you get when you enter change and somewhere new, and you come out of it ok. Now I have that feeling because I was so nervous when I started (my first job) and now I feel more than comfortable and responsible. My reviews are nothing but praise and I will continue to work really hard and go that extra mile to be friendly towards customers because I really want to feel like when I get paid, I have earnt it.

I'm really trying to live by Mraz's quote: "Better you, better world. Better get busy."
Ever since I read it I have been so inspired and have been pushing myself to do well in everything I do. However, I have been so incredibly tired recently so I know it is important to stay healthy and get lots of rest when I can. So - early night tonight. After our family meal with our guests Gary and Jo; It's just so great to have Amber home again. She livens up the atmosphere in this house.

Art today.

Today I am taking it easy.
Tomorrow I am getting up super early to go to Heathrow to pick up my step sister Amber from the airport. For those who don't know, she is 10, lives in South Africa, and travels unacompanied every few months to stay with us. I always get so excited for her arrival - I wait around at the arrival's gate with my starbucks latte so that I am the first person she see's when she walks through the door. Adrenaline will be pounding through my veins. My face will be sore from anxious smiling. My feet will be shuffling - I cannot keep still in these conditions.



<------- This isn't Amber, although it is usually what she looks like when she comes through the doors searching for me haha.








This is all a usual procedure - I'm so used to the movie-like-airport-scene - but I still can't resist the excitment. However I do always know that as soon as she gets here, every day gone will be a day closer to having to say goodbye again. But I don't think about that; I must stay positive :)

I've been doing art today - sketching a detailed portrait of Jason Mraz. I havn't finished yet, so that, and doing a bit of painting, will be my plan for the evening I think. Along with a movie and an early night. Getting up at 5:00am needs determination!

Just wanted to say I love you all, and take each day as it comes. Whatever you do, even if you are doing nothing at all, all day (like me), be happy.

I am free

FREEDOM


Here are just a few quotes I fully relate to, am inspired by, and encourage me to continue to soul-expand.

"I communicate so I can liberate. I am free to be me."
 --- Jason Mraz

"Better you, better world. Better get busy."
 --- Jason Mraz





"Yes, I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can find his way by moonlight, and see the dawn before the rest of the world." ---Oscar Wilde

"Let freedom reign. The sun never set on so glorious a human achievement." --- Nelson Mandela

My last exam was today. This is not the reason I am free. I do not have to go  back to school until september now. This is also not a reason for why I am free.
I am free because I practice freedom of the mind and soul, and I am free because I have finally let myself conquer fears and pains, face stresses and pressure, and win. This is not just exams; for months now I have battled with fears and doubts in my mind, wanting them to all go away and stop haunting me. Only I could finally get rid of the ghosts in my head and the problems getting me down, and so to do this, I had to make myself bigger and better than the problems. I am slowly finding me - learning to finish the sentence "I am...." with words that I can be sure define me.

Everything is forever changing. However, although I am nevous about facing the changes that are to come and I am scared to let go, I am excited, I am possitive-thinking, I am determinded, to embrace these changes with all I have to cling onto them with and let them eagerly sprout through my soul so that these changes make me the person I am going to be. Then, going with the flow, I will continue to be at one with myself and look deep into understanding the person I am, flaws and all.

But for now, my summer holidays start tomorrow and I will not allow myself to be bored once. There are so much I plan on getting up to and love, peace and freedom with follow me where ever I go.
<3

We all need some vitamins for the soul.

So my last post was rather negative; which was exactly what I told myself I wasn't going to do! So by breaking that promise and giving into temptation, I have already showed weakness. I want to find ways to constantly strengthen myself, my belief in who I am, and my trust in the paths I choose to take. This comes from happiness. I find happiness everywhere and it seems the smallest things are twice as powerful as the largest actions that make you half-smile. Funny old world.

However, I recently subcribed to The Daily Love which is a blog that a man called Mastin Kipp writes, and if you subscribe, you get emailed the daily blog which comes with new ideas and inspirational quotes for each blooming day. He uses words and creativity so perfectly - I wish I could express myself in such a way - but I can't. The Daily Love is simply wonderful! So, as my blog can never be as good, but my main drive of daily inner-power comes from spending two minutes a day reading my TDL emails, I dedicate this post to recommending everyone to subcribe to TDL and you won't be dissapointed!
Here's the link!
http://www.thedailylove.com/

Start fresh; start alive; start your day with love.
<3

Messed up.

WHY is it that the nicest of girls fall for the worst kinds of boys walking the face of the earth?
OR is it that I am just over-exagerating and being dramatic?

I don't think I am. I think sometimes, the system is just messed up.

The system or cycle in that, you have to get hurt before you understand real depth of love.
Or the fact that you have to loose something, before you realize how special what you had was to you.

Now don't go thinking something has happened that's made my tone all negative and depressing because I've had a lovely day and everything is cool. It's just that I watched "Ghost Of Girlfriends Past" which is wickedly funny and I did enjoy it, although the film just made me think about the past and the truth in girls only being drawn to those who they want to fix.
Also, the film "He's Just Not That Into You"...
Both are really good and are so blunt with the message they're portraying, however, both have happy endings. The idiot realizes what he is missing out on, falls for the girl bla bla bla...

I'm just in a pensive, deep, thoughtful mood. I want answers to things that nobody can give me and I want change. The need for spontaneosity and excitement is bubbling inside of me and until my last exams are over and I start getting out and letting down my anti-social walls, I need to stop moaning and be patient.

Peace

I havn't posted a blog post in a while. Also, I havn't written in my folder which is something I used to do all the time and I'm afraid It's just going to wastful blank pages now because putting words down on paper has not seemed such a priority lately.

My head is spinning with ALL KINDS of colours bouncing and spiraling into thoughts and emotions.

My last post was about Ed, so I suppose it would only be polite to start off telling you how out-of-this-world, stupidly-beautifully-amazing, crazy-electrifying-talented his performance was. There was an atmosphere in the room of sheer content and the buzz of awe filled everyone's lungs; sweat dripped off everyone arm to arm in the room. Naturally, my friends and I arrived an hour early to be first in the que and so, we were able to stand at the front of the gig right infront of Ed. Something I admired was how his "shh"-ing ability was the only sound he has to whisper in order to get the whole audience silently waiting for his next song. The concept was that he has put so much time and passion into writing meaningful songs, we should at least not talk over him while he lets out his message to us. His words were "shhh, alright guys, we're gunna have some mental times tonight, but for now, let's just chill and listen yeah? okay here we go..." However, when he wanted a response and a vibrant crowd, everyone knew exactly when to liven up, throw our arms in the air, and sing at the top of our lungs.
Finally, his oncore was more spectacular and unusual that anything we could have predicted from a singer. He came into the middle of the crowd (with his 3 massive bodyguards), ushered the crowd to sit down by a wave of his arms, and somehow got the whole room which was packed full of sweaty, shoulder-to-shoulder, varried stereotypes of fans to sit as he stood on a stool patiently. Every pair of eyes stared up at his glowing ginger hair under the spotlight, and we all sat and waited for the music to touch our souls for the last time. He had no microphone; he had no guitar; he relied upon the crowd being apsalutely silent before he began, otherwise the effect of the midroom-acapella-oncore would have been ruined. The song he sang was called the Parting Glass and it has not been officially recorded yet. He turned slowly in a circle, singing out the words "Goodnight and joy be with you all" as if we were all sat around a campfire; we all knew each other, we all connected in that moment.

That is why I love music.

Also, I've been struggling recently with a number of issues I probably have just created in my head to tick the boxes of being a hormonal-stressy-unpredictable-dramatic-teenage girl. Nevertheless, I still have these feelings and I want to understand myself better in order to accept this. When I'm feeling lonely, naturally I judge myself. What am I doing wrong? When I think about change, I naturally feel angry and wish I could prevent people from leaving; the sun from hiding; sleep deprivation from getting the best of me. But some things are just not in my hands. I know I should be patient. I know I shouldn't overthink the past. I know I shouldn't give in to temptation. There are a list of things I KNOW are  right, but I'm human. These things won't always match what path I decide to take.

However, happiness is the key and what I am always seeking to find in the littlest of things to brighten my day. Today, lying on my trampoline with my cat under the sun made me happy and exciting for everything I have planned for the next few weeks after my last few exams. Also, I found a song which I completely  related to and has such a possitive beat to it. It's called "Sexy dizzy" by Leddra Chapman who has co-wrote songs with Ed Sheeran and has a beautiful voice. Here's the acoustic version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZZ71H_O5II&feature=related

Every day of my summer holidays, starting from next wednesday ( last exam finishes at 10:00) I will aim to find something that makes me happy that is completely new and fresh. I will do many things I have never tried before and I will be influenced by culture and sunshine. I can't wait.

ED

Tonight is the night I finally get to see/hopefully meet Ed Sheeran. For those of you who don't know who he is, Ed is an amazing, rising musician that is the current big music sensation across the nation. I love his music so much because I have a special connection to acoustic guitars. I can't play one,  don't be silly, but the passion that someone can portray through any kind of strumming on a guitar amazes me.

 Ed not only is a fantastic guitarist, but lyricist. He finds a balance in writing meaningful words from his experiences and feelings whilst letting them out as if he's been fighting a battle to release them. It's like therapy. I think the reason he is becoming so popular is because he can use this to his advantage and people hear his music, and relate to the source he is coming from. Hearing his melodies can emote any emotion inside of me that I'm calling on at any particular time.

Ed, as you can see, is ginger! Another reason to love him! He is different; individual; happy to stand out. Everyone wants a hero like him to aspire to be like.

You have to be brave.

Aaaaaahhh. GRRRRR>  RAWR. That feeling when you just want one of those pillows loaded with feathers that I can just chuck everywhere and explode.

When I feel like exploding, a firework comes to mind. They are so bright and beautiful when they explode, but the sound leading up to the bang is horrific and you just want it to be over already. That is how I feel.

Most of the time, I'm pretty sure that I know myself now. I know what I believe in; what inspires me; what I don't like; what I want from my goals; what makes me tick; how I deal with things; what I'm scared of; what my limits are; what I love. Knowing your own mind is the start to anything and it's so important that you know yourself in order to judge yourself.

So, I am sentimental. Today, being the last full day of school with everybody, made me so sad. Even though I am staying at Cooper for Sixth Form, there are some important people to me who are leaving and they mean the world to me. I would not be the person I am without having these amazing friends standing by my side. Also, the teachers, who most people take forgranted, have worked their asses off to make sure we do well and achieve the best in life. I would not be where I am if it wasn't for their care and support. I will always appreciate that.

But why am I made to feel like my feelings arn't valued? Is it that I just care too much about too many people, who simply just don't care at all? My head tells me this isn't true and that things won't change - put on a brave face Savannah. My insecurities tell me I should worry about it and that when people act like they don't care, I should stop being so nieve, stop reading into detail, and accept they don't care.

Sometimes people just need reassuring. I know in my head what is true, but a little reassurance would ease my fears. I hold on to everything. Every little day the sun comes out and everyone I love smiles because of it, I hold onto those days.

I am now going to contradict myself completely:
I love change. I love the excitement of making a spontaneous decision; of experiencing new things and meeting new people; change in scenery; change all round. I really do. I'm just scared of it at first. I'l go all shy and get a nervous rash and shrink 3 inches smaller to make me even shorter than I already am. As soon as I find my confort zone, I'm ok. It's just the initial letting go of what was.

Letting go and holding on. One of my biggest challenges. The skill of balancing these two, and smiling the whole way. You have to be brave. Willing to jump off the edge without actually knowing the depth of what you're getting into...

Here's a thought!

GREEN TEA + BLUEBERRIES.

Why is green tea so good for your health? Why are we only just figuring this out? Well across Asia green tea has been used as a healing element for over 4,000 years now, so they have definately had much longer to appreciate the benefits!

Green tea and blueberries are both full of anti oxidants that replenish the mind, body and soul. This, I oh so sweetly remind myself, is what I am constantly searching for when i'm in a state of humidity in my tangent thoughts. So now I sit, tears in my eyes over the saddest episode of Grey's Anatomy I've ever seen,  munching on blueberries and sipping down some lushness from my apple and pear green tea. Who knows if it'l make a difference!? All I know is I want to change my life for the possitive. Considering summer is edging closer as every day the sun decides to give us light for that little bit longer and greet us in the morning just that little bit earlyer, I want possitive change. My exams finish soon and I also start my new job on sunday.
Anything that gives me that freshness in order to keep my mind open and free is worth a try.
So;
GREEN TEA AND BLUEBERRIES IT IS.

Lost.

We are the  generation of the future. We are desperately trying to find ourselfs in order to find our purpose so that everyone else will lay off our cases. We take on the stress, pain, fears and faults of others because we feel somebody must or else the whole belief of peace will fall off the wall of existance. It's a juggling act that I feel i have become rather skilled at recently - a cycle of smiling for others instead of yourself; in the vain hope that the satisfaction of being there for others is enough to cure your own aching, lost soul.

Who is lost and who is found? How do we live contently? What does it all mean anyway? Why does it matter? Why why why why...

Sometimes there are no answers. That is because you don't need to hear the answers to know them. All you need is faith in yourself. The rest will unfold over the random course of fate's slippery slope. Love yourself. Jason Mraz posted once about loving every little thing about himself; and then loving everyone else.

You don't need to know your purpose or message, destiny or fate; you just need to trust that your feelings, pain, love, fear (whatever it may be) makes you who you are. You can never be anyone but you. Love it. Embrace it. Be proud of you. Because you are one in six billion - your light will never die.

OneAndOnly.

I told myself I was going to get an early night tonight. HOWEVER, Kevin McGuire decided to do a livestream on twitter. Sooooo....

Anyway, the point of this is that I have so much love pouring out of me for musical artists who are not recognised. Artists who have so much talent, passion and soul for what they do and do it for themselves only. They get happiness  and comfort from putting message they are so desperately trying to portray into words and feelings everyone else relates to. Right now, Kevin only has 35 people watching his livestream! But he is doing it because he knows he can't give up. He has an audiance who appreciate his message, and he will keep singing and playing guitar as long as anyone wants to listen. I feel lucky to be one of the 35 listening to him singing away in his room in Glasgow because I know that the support means the world to him. Just like when I noticed the talent Mike Dignam had and after getting him to perform at my house for my 16th, I know without a doubt his future is bright and exciting because he is a star. Now he has his own UK tour and is spreading his message every single day through musical notes, big smiles and the rythmic strumming of his guitar.

It's not just acoustic music I appreciate. As long as the music has a message reaching out to me that I can understand, Every note will touch me. Music just has a way of softening and bluring everything. Then again, it is always there to liven up and excite your life when you need it to.

I think i respond to musical artists, because my passion is art. Without art, i can't find my colours or textures or shine. Art is the essense of my passion. Its the same for musicians and the music they create. The whole world of creativity is an endless cycle of creating, discovering and being.

Come fly with me.

While currently sat on my bed with my laptop infront of me, my fat cat half on my lap - half falling off - (snoring away), and Frank Sinatra blaring from my Itunes shuffle which is a completely rare occassion, I realize i should be revising. But the concept of doing calculations to figure out the concentration of hydrochloric acid using titrations in chemistry is de-moralizing. I would much rather be dreaming about the meaning behind Sinatra's song "Come fly with me."

If I could, i'd already be flying away to somewhere exotic like madagascar. I'd love to go to that wild but beautiful island! There is a type of sloth/lemur (I really don't know) called a SLOW LORIS which is by far the coolest, weird but cutest creature i've ever come across. Youtube "Slow Loris loves getting tickled." You will then see how bizzare it really is! A Slow Loris has the biggest, curious eyes, yet it looks like a cuddly koala bear teddy that a kid would fall asleep with. So funny to watch it just being in existance, slowly taking in its surroundings without a care in the world besides the constant need to be tickled an awful lot. Unfortunately this species is highly endangered - I know because I even, for some random reason, googled the possibility of a slow loris pet ownership. I know, it's lame and I would never actually get one.

During exam period, stress levels are high. Everyone I come into contact with (my age or teachers prepared to rip their own hair out) have blood shot eyes decorated with big dark circles undernieth - sneakily destroying any innocence we have left. I don't even recognise myself when I get up in the morning! I'm so tired all the time, yet sleep just doesn't happen. Somehow, I lay in bed for hours trying to sleep but the constant circle of songs, dreams, memories, (flooded with stress about history, science, french, RE exams, etc) all invade my attempts to shut down. Also, I just found out I got the job at French Connection in Bicester Village - which I am stupidly and crazily excited about! However my hours are long on the weekends, making revision time limitted.

All of this brings me back to the topic of Sinatra's  "Come fly with me.." Just for now, just for tonight, just for a moment in time, I will imagine someone "one of a kind" knocking on my door and swiftly whisping me away to a private jet - flying me anywhere but here. I think that would be wonderful. The sun shining down just because it wants to make me smile and my hair would dance in the wind just because the wind was enough to breeze through my soul effortlessly taking away all my stresses and worries with it. And when I wake up tomorrow, I will deal with all that needs to be dealt with because I know it's not right to just ignor what I don't really want to do. But for now... "Just glide, starry eyed... Come fly with me... let's fly! Let's fly away!"