A giant footprint on my heart.

Today the most surreal thing happened to me.
I was so happy, nervous, overwhelmed, exstatic. Now I'm crying. All within the space of two hours.

Most of all I feel it is important to say that memories are for me to keep forever; I can acess them whenever I want or feel the need to be in that particular moment again. However, this has it's downsides. Holding onto a time and place for too long can drive a person insane - desperate to find moments that feel endless because it feels like nothing will ever be that good again. Feels like what is happening in the world around you isn't good enough and will never live up to the times you have experienced before.

This is a stupid theory to have but we all know it happens. I will now tell myself to be possitive; look forward to the exciting plans I have ahead of me and hope that the feelings I hold onto locked inside my memories will find me once again and create new memories in the story of my life.

The reason all these strong memories are flooding back to me is simple. I saw someone today who I met on the most amazing holiday of my life; a two week cruise that will always have a place in my heart. He meant alot to me and the last time I saw him was a painful goodbye in august full of tears. Today I happened to be in the shop I work at (but on my day off) and he happened to be shopping in Bicester Village which is miles from where he lives. \he tapped me on the shoulder and I was speechless, yet over the moon.

Sometimes we experience moments that we will never forget and make connections that define those memories for us and the cruise we we're on was certainly a case of this occurance. I will never forget the times I spent with him and all the other friends in the group we formed on The Grand Princess. I can't express how dearly I hold onto those memories desperately wishing I could go back to that time and make it last forever.

"Can miles truly separate you from friends.... If you want to be with someone you love,
 aren't you already there? "
~Richard Bach

INDIVIDUALISM

Today, being me and not judging myself has been hard. But I keep reminding myself, I would rather be spreading my own light than simply reflecting others... This is very important to me.

Continually better.

Today i worked on my feet all day from half 9 - 6, I am tired, drained and sore. Although, I am so happy right now! I love work! I really do. I love (ALMOST) everyone there and I feel like I have friends there now and not just collegues. I was craving the feeling of new people in my life and the feeling you get when you enter change and somewhere new, and you come out of it ok. Now I have that feeling because I was so nervous when I started (my first job) and now I feel more than comfortable and responsible. My reviews are nothing but praise and I will continue to work really hard and go that extra mile to be friendly towards customers because I really want to feel like when I get paid, I have earnt it.

I'm really trying to live by Mraz's quote: "Better you, better world. Better get busy."
Ever since I read it I have been so inspired and have been pushing myself to do well in everything I do. However, I have been so incredibly tired recently so I know it is important to stay healthy and get lots of rest when I can. So - early night tonight. After our family meal with our guests Gary and Jo; It's just so great to have Amber home again. She livens up the atmosphere in this house.

Art today.

Today I am taking it easy.
Tomorrow I am getting up super early to go to Heathrow to pick up my step sister Amber from the airport. For those who don't know, she is 10, lives in South Africa, and travels unacompanied every few months to stay with us. I always get so excited for her arrival - I wait around at the arrival's gate with my starbucks latte so that I am the first person she see's when she walks through the door. Adrenaline will be pounding through my veins. My face will be sore from anxious smiling. My feet will be shuffling - I cannot keep still in these conditions.



<------- This isn't Amber, although it is usually what she looks like when she comes through the doors searching for me haha.








This is all a usual procedure - I'm so used to the movie-like-airport-scene - but I still can't resist the excitment. However I do always know that as soon as she gets here, every day gone will be a day closer to having to say goodbye again. But I don't think about that; I must stay positive :)

I've been doing art today - sketching a detailed portrait of Jason Mraz. I havn't finished yet, so that, and doing a bit of painting, will be my plan for the evening I think. Along with a movie and an early night. Getting up at 5:00am needs determination!

Just wanted to say I love you all, and take each day as it comes. Whatever you do, even if you are doing nothing at all, all day (like me), be happy.

I am free

FREEDOM


Here are just a few quotes I fully relate to, am inspired by, and encourage me to continue to soul-expand.

"I communicate so I can liberate. I am free to be me."
 --- Jason Mraz

"Better you, better world. Better get busy."
 --- Jason Mraz





"Yes, I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can find his way by moonlight, and see the dawn before the rest of the world." ---Oscar Wilde

"Let freedom reign. The sun never set on so glorious a human achievement." --- Nelson Mandela

My last exam was today. This is not the reason I am free. I do not have to go  back to school until september now. This is also not a reason for why I am free.
I am free because I practice freedom of the mind and soul, and I am free because I have finally let myself conquer fears and pains, face stresses and pressure, and win. This is not just exams; for months now I have battled with fears and doubts in my mind, wanting them to all go away and stop haunting me. Only I could finally get rid of the ghosts in my head and the problems getting me down, and so to do this, I had to make myself bigger and better than the problems. I am slowly finding me - learning to finish the sentence "I am...." with words that I can be sure define me.

Everything is forever changing. However, although I am nevous about facing the changes that are to come and I am scared to let go, I am excited, I am possitive-thinking, I am determinded, to embrace these changes with all I have to cling onto them with and let them eagerly sprout through my soul so that these changes make me the person I am going to be. Then, going with the flow, I will continue to be at one with myself and look deep into understanding the person I am, flaws and all.

But for now, my summer holidays start tomorrow and I will not allow myself to be bored once. There are so much I plan on getting up to and love, peace and freedom with follow me where ever I go.
<3

We all need some vitamins for the soul.

So my last post was rather negative; which was exactly what I told myself I wasn't going to do! So by breaking that promise and giving into temptation, I have already showed weakness. I want to find ways to constantly strengthen myself, my belief in who I am, and my trust in the paths I choose to take. This comes from happiness. I find happiness everywhere and it seems the smallest things are twice as powerful as the largest actions that make you half-smile. Funny old world.

However, I recently subcribed to The Daily Love which is a blog that a man called Mastin Kipp writes, and if you subscribe, you get emailed the daily blog which comes with new ideas and inspirational quotes for each blooming day. He uses words and creativity so perfectly - I wish I could express myself in such a way - but I can't. The Daily Love is simply wonderful! So, as my blog can never be as good, but my main drive of daily inner-power comes from spending two minutes a day reading my TDL emails, I dedicate this post to recommending everyone to subcribe to TDL and you won't be dissapointed!
Here's the link!
http://www.thedailylove.com/

Start fresh; start alive; start your day with love.
<3

Messed up.

WHY is it that the nicest of girls fall for the worst kinds of boys walking the face of the earth?
OR is it that I am just over-exagerating and being dramatic?

I don't think I am. I think sometimes, the system is just messed up.

The system or cycle in that, you have to get hurt before you understand real depth of love.
Or the fact that you have to loose something, before you realize how special what you had was to you.

Now don't go thinking something has happened that's made my tone all negative and depressing because I've had a lovely day and everything is cool. It's just that I watched "Ghost Of Girlfriends Past" which is wickedly funny and I did enjoy it, although the film just made me think about the past and the truth in girls only being drawn to those who they want to fix.
Also, the film "He's Just Not That Into You"...
Both are really good and are so blunt with the message they're portraying, however, both have happy endings. The idiot realizes what he is missing out on, falls for the girl bla bla bla...

I'm just in a pensive, deep, thoughtful mood. I want answers to things that nobody can give me and I want change. The need for spontaneosity and excitement is bubbling inside of me and until my last exams are over and I start getting out and letting down my anti-social walls, I need to stop moaning and be patient.

Peace

I havn't posted a blog post in a while. Also, I havn't written in my folder which is something I used to do all the time and I'm afraid It's just going to wastful blank pages now because putting words down on paper has not seemed such a priority lately.

My head is spinning with ALL KINDS of colours bouncing and spiraling into thoughts and emotions.

My last post was about Ed, so I suppose it would only be polite to start off telling you how out-of-this-world, stupidly-beautifully-amazing, crazy-electrifying-talented his performance was. There was an atmosphere in the room of sheer content and the buzz of awe filled everyone's lungs; sweat dripped off everyone arm to arm in the room. Naturally, my friends and I arrived an hour early to be first in the que and so, we were able to stand at the front of the gig right infront of Ed. Something I admired was how his "shh"-ing ability was the only sound he has to whisper in order to get the whole audience silently waiting for his next song. The concept was that he has put so much time and passion into writing meaningful songs, we should at least not talk over him while he lets out his message to us. His words were "shhh, alright guys, we're gunna have some mental times tonight, but for now, let's just chill and listen yeah? okay here we go..." However, when he wanted a response and a vibrant crowd, everyone knew exactly when to liven up, throw our arms in the air, and sing at the top of our lungs.
Finally, his oncore was more spectacular and unusual that anything we could have predicted from a singer. He came into the middle of the crowd (with his 3 massive bodyguards), ushered the crowd to sit down by a wave of his arms, and somehow got the whole room which was packed full of sweaty, shoulder-to-shoulder, varried stereotypes of fans to sit as he stood on a stool patiently. Every pair of eyes stared up at his glowing ginger hair under the spotlight, and we all sat and waited for the music to touch our souls for the last time. He had no microphone; he had no guitar; he relied upon the crowd being apsalutely silent before he began, otherwise the effect of the midroom-acapella-oncore would have been ruined. The song he sang was called the Parting Glass and it has not been officially recorded yet. He turned slowly in a circle, singing out the words "Goodnight and joy be with you all" as if we were all sat around a campfire; we all knew each other, we all connected in that moment.

That is why I love music.

Also, I've been struggling recently with a number of issues I probably have just created in my head to tick the boxes of being a hormonal-stressy-unpredictable-dramatic-teenage girl. Nevertheless, I still have these feelings and I want to understand myself better in order to accept this. When I'm feeling lonely, naturally I judge myself. What am I doing wrong? When I think about change, I naturally feel angry and wish I could prevent people from leaving; the sun from hiding; sleep deprivation from getting the best of me. But some things are just not in my hands. I know I should be patient. I know I shouldn't overthink the past. I know I shouldn't give in to temptation. There are a list of things I KNOW are  right, but I'm human. These things won't always match what path I decide to take.

However, happiness is the key and what I am always seeking to find in the littlest of things to brighten my day. Today, lying on my trampoline with my cat under the sun made me happy and exciting for everything I have planned for the next few weeks after my last few exams. Also, I found a song which I completely  related to and has such a possitive beat to it. It's called "Sexy dizzy" by Leddra Chapman who has co-wrote songs with Ed Sheeran and has a beautiful voice. Here's the acoustic version:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZZ71H_O5II&feature=related

Every day of my summer holidays, starting from next wednesday ( last exam finishes at 10:00) I will aim to find something that makes me happy that is completely new and fresh. I will do many things I have never tried before and I will be influenced by culture and sunshine. I can't wait.